Finding the slices of heaven.

Saturday, March 11, 2017


So I'm working to detox from my mild Facebook addiction and keeping the pull it had on me at bay.  I have a busy enough life that I don't need to always lurk, scroll, or comment.  It's time to pull further away on it for my own good.

Thursday, March 09, 2017


I don't know why I care about someone who doesn't care about me even if they are family.  Watching them twist our disagreement into a reason for getting their 'good friends' attention.  Calling me self-centered.

All I did was tell my sister it was NOT okay for her to constantly tell me how I should raise my kids.  She constantly nit picks me on this about my son or if she were me she wouldn't do that with my daughter.  Over weeks, months, years this weighs on a person.  Eventually I want to stop and say "Hey, this isn't okay."

But when I do I am 'twisting' her words.  So shut me off, tell me you feel you have no sisters and then post that you miss our other sister.  Does she not see how that would hurt?  Eventually I will find a way to be okay with this.  Perhaps I am better off without family other than my husband and kids.  This whole cycle is not healthy for me anyway.

Monday, March 06, 2017

So much

So much has happened in my life the last 10 years.  I have married the love of my life and have been raising my kids the best that I can.

Along the way I have been trying to navigate broken relationships with my sisters.  I have been told I am the problem so often it drove me into therapy.  In there I handed over all of my emails so that I could have an unbiased person look at what was said by me and the other side so I could be told what I was doing wrong.  I expected to be told what I was doing wrong but was surprised to be asked when they have to be the adult and I can stop having to be the adult.  Still nothing improved.  I was working on rebuilding with my older sister (they were always close and I was always the odd man out.  They told me it was my fault.  I was always too ____ <-----insert adjective="" defensive="" delusional="" here="" p="" sensitive...="">
My older sister faced a lot.  Breast cancer for over a year then we find out her husband of 6 years was abusive and tried to kill her so we got her to move back with my parents.  She apparently was also battling depression because the abusive marriage was so deep that she missed him and in September she took her own life in my parents house when they were gone over night.

Since then I felt my younger sister has felt upset that she is gone and it wasn't me.  I truly feel she wishes it was me who had passed and not our older sister.  I have tried to be dependable, listen to her and help her (my younger sister) and also to do something with her she liked to do.  I was so excited that we may have a chance to be close like other sisters I see.  But that isn't to be so.  As I have seen through my life I don't get the same free pass they got to say what they felt they needed to say to me and I can't say anything in my defense.  I am told I am defensive, delusional, crazy and lord knows what else.

But my younger sister likes to sit in her chair and pass judgement on others in how they live their life.  She felt recently it was okay to tell me her thoughts on my daughter's anxiety (and my niece - older sisters daughter) and that she wished she lived closer to do things with them.  All she said pointed to thinking she could help them be less anxious about things where perhaps I have not with my daughter.  She has always complained about my son, his volume, and anything she thinks he has done wrong in her eyes.  She also vents about her sister in laws, mother in law and how what they do is wrong also in her eyes.

So I grew tired of hearing her take on my parenting (although she didn't think she was doing it) and stuck up for myself saying that I love her but the ways she thinks she is always right irks me.  All hell broke loose.  She created an itemized numbered list of the things she has learned to NOT do with her child from what I do with MY kids.  And then she added she sometimes feels she has NO sisters now.  Then posted on FB that she 'Missed her sister'.  I knew this was in response to our argument and saying she has no sisters as she pushed me aside.  She missed our older sister because she couldn't complain about me to anyone.  That she doesn't view me as a sister.  This made me crumble.  I have tried so hard to be close.  So very very hard.  I was crying on the phone when my husband heard me.  He lost it.  He even commented on one of my younger sisters fb posts (which he never posts.)  Then he said she is dead to him, not allowed in our house any more because he is tired of her hurting me and using me as a door mat.

Now my family is torn apart.  I was told again I am delusional and my husbands comment was crazy.

My kids are doing well and my marriage to my husband is amazing but my relationship with my sisters (which was non existent as a child) will never be what I always wanted it to be.  I can look at myself and fix a lot but the other side has to do the same.  She refuses and prefers to say it is all my fault.

Monday, March 02, 2015

What comes around goes around....

In mid 2007- early 2008 during my divorce I was buried in debt, fear, and 60 hour work weeks.  With two young kids, more than a full-time job, a townhouse of my own to take care of and an ex to navigate while helping a child with issues I was feeling overwhelmed and alone.  My new man is a tough man and he is a no-nonsense guy who says 'just do it' attitude.

On a particularly rough day my sister texted me while I was driving to work with two fighting kids in the back seat.  At a stop light I texted back "I can't text, I'm in my car."  She replied "Don't text and drive."  And now I have two fighting kids and a lecture for a stressed- out person.  So I texted back "I'm at a stop light.  Please don't lecture."

With family I have only been able to vent to my mom.  My dad hears my complaints and tries to 'fix' things or worries too much.  With my older sister who has gone through something similar she would listen but we didn't always communicate well.  My younger sister was the one who lectured.  "stop being the victim", "stop complaining and raise your kids" among other statements.

Now 8 years later my sister and her husband moved back to PA from florida and all she does is whine and complain about the snow and weather and how florida is "paradise" and snidely makes fun of PA.  I am sick of it and have told her to either move or stop complaining (which is what she would say to me.)  This isn't life shattering.  This was a choice like my divorce.  Like when she told me to stop playing the victim.  But she likes to make herself the victim by saying they moved back "for family".  But in reality their work situation was dissolving and a job opened up back home.  They made an adult choice.  Time to deal and shut it or move back.

All in all she laid the ground work for the 'don't play the victim, shut up' mentality and I am dieing to throw it back in her face however I know that she won't remember EVER talking to me that way because I am always painted the evil-doer and nasty person and she is the 'good person'.  She couldn't be more wrong.  We both have our moments and neither of us have learned to properly be there for each other.  I will throw it in her face if I can but I keep trying to be a good person.  But some day what comes around goes around.

Wise words in marriage

Judge Lynn Toler on Divorce Court today stated "women need love when they are the least lovable and men need applause when they least deserve it."  Wise words.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Time marches on

After I started this blog I bought a 2007 vw beetle convertible and my blogging friends named her Caliente, or cali for short.  Now as I own her outright she has been failing in sections and costing me more and more money.  Do I want to get rid of her?  No.  But VW's are expensive to repair and things keep coming up.

Sadly I may trade her in.

My children are growing leaps and bounds.  My daughter is 13 years old and due to some health issues is home schooling via cyber with our district.  My son is almost 15 and has improved leaps and bounds.  He has moved through taekwondo to a black belt, he is in chorus and goes on competitive trips.  Now he wishes to try out for football.  Now in 9th grade and having 5 advanced classes he is eligible for AP level classes and his grades are good.

Watching my children grow so fast is not easy.  I was laid off from my job around 3 years ago.  I have gotten to become a 'stay at home' mom again thanks to my husband taking care of things.  My husband and I bought a new house last year after selling our two townhouses and it was a smart financial decision.  It seems my life has settled down.  We have been married for 3 years (together around 7 years.)  And married life with husband #2 has its pitfalls and moments of disagreement.  But it is far easier with him than husband #1. He is stuck with me because I am in it for the long haul.  I am truly happy.

I can't believe that in 3 short years my son will be on the cusp of graduating and heading to college.  He has a college and degree in mind and a plan.  I am proud of him. Now to get my daughter on a solid path.  But I feel old all of a sudden and want them to stop growing so darn fast.  Angel's cloud is not ready to be an empty nest any time soon.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Long hiatus

After a long hiatus I am going to try and blog again.  A lot of time has passed and a lot has changed in my life.

My life is wonderful.  I remarried my soulmate December of 2011 via a surprise wedding HE planned.  More on that in the future.  I have turned 40.  My kids have grown so much.  My son is now 13 and my daughter 11.  My son is taller than me now (which didn't take a lot as I am 5'-0" tall) but he is already over 5'-2" yay!!

Despite losing my job over 2 years ago my new husband married me and we are making ends meet thanks to his hard work.  We hope to try and market his hot sauce in the future and have it be my job, perhaps earn our first million.  lol  In the meantime we are working to get the renters out of his townhouse so we can sell it then sell the townhouse we are currently residing in.  We have a house breaking ground in August that will be done Dec/January.

What is fantastic is that we will save money by doing that and have more space.  I think its the beginning of our next wonderful chapter.

Years ago I was so unhappily married but a happy mom.  Now I am a very happy wife and mother with the man I should have married in the first place.

My son is now a black belt in taekwondo and despite having been diagnosed with severe adhd/odd keeps battling for a normal teenage life.  With each year his behavior improves but has been such a struggle/battle.

My daughter has discovered her love of singing (which I sang competitively for many years as did my mother so its genetic.)

I am bracing for the hills and valleys of the teenage years as it has begun.  I hope to blog about it here to vent AND brag.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Hoping for better tomorrows

The one regret I do not have is the choice to break free from my destructive marriage. As I approach in a few days what WOULD have been my 14 year anniversary I have turned introspective. I regret not fighting for the house. I regret not making different decisions in housing once I didn't fight for the house. I regret not being a stay at home mom any more as I can not always be the mom I used to be. It isn't that I don't like to work, contrary, I do like to work. Work gives me a sense of self. It just isn't enough money. But what I do NOT regret is leaving my now ex husband.

I hope to start up this blog again as a form of catharticism and to capture some more funny things my children say. My daughter says a ton of funny things and by rereading some of passed posts and the things they have said and done before has been fun.

So we shall see if I can post more regularly