My two children are my heart, two large parts of my heart. Never did I think I could love so deeply two little souls but I feel so blessed to have been given them. If I didn't have my babies I would have probably left my marriage much much sooner. I stayed the last 2 years for them and tried for them. I know my husband says I could still stay and he still wants to make it work but for many many reasons I can not find it within myself to endure any more trying and any more failures as well as any more pain. I wish for my children's sake that I could because I love the more than words could ever describe, but that will never change.
I started this blog as a means to connect with people as I was isolated. I also started this blog as a means to try to focus on the positives in my life so that it could perhaps help me to stay. My children were a primary focus of that positive because that is what they are to me, my stars, my sun, my positives.
They are my heart.
Friday, September 28, 2007
The hardest thing
It was the hardest thing watching the slow deterioration of my marriage.
It was the hardest thing to suggest therapy for 2 years to be ignored.
It was the hardest thing to be called names.
It was the hardest thing to be lifted up with one hand by him but smacked down (not literally) by another and have him not even realize he was doing it.
It was the hardest thing to start working so that I could move on with my life.
It was the hardest thing when he found out I had confided in another man about our marital troubles.
It was the hardest thing to have my kids dragged through our muck.
It was the hardest thing to admit that I do not love him any more.
It was the hardest thing to tell my kids we are divorcing even if it's what I want.
It is the hardest thing to face the vast unknown alone.
It is the hardest thing to remain in this house despite my decision.
It is the hardest thing to realize just how little money I make.
It is the hardest thing to watch 14 years together (11 married) become just a memory.
It is the hardest thing to know that you don't want to hurt any more but by changing that you hurt so many around you.
It is the hardest thing to look at the house I helped build become soon no longer my house.
It is the hardest thing to plan to move back in with my parents.
It is the hardest thing to have my mental status questioned by anyone.
It is the hardest thing to see the pain in my childrens eyes and know I helped put it there.
It is the hardest thing EVER to know that some nights I won't get to tuck them in and kiss their little heads before I sleep. I always swore I would always do that.
It was the hardest thing to suggest therapy for 2 years to be ignored.
It was the hardest thing to be called names.
It was the hardest thing to be lifted up with one hand by him but smacked down (not literally) by another and have him not even realize he was doing it.
It was the hardest thing to start working so that I could move on with my life.
It was the hardest thing when he found out I had confided in another man about our marital troubles.
It was the hardest thing to have my kids dragged through our muck.
It was the hardest thing to admit that I do not love him any more.
It was the hardest thing to tell my kids we are divorcing even if it's what I want.
It is the hardest thing to face the vast unknown alone.
It is the hardest thing to remain in this house despite my decision.
It is the hardest thing to realize just how little money I make.
It is the hardest thing to watch 14 years together (11 married) become just a memory.
It is the hardest thing to know that you don't want to hurt any more but by changing that you hurt so many around you.
It is the hardest thing to look at the house I helped build become soon no longer my house.
It is the hardest thing to plan to move back in with my parents.
It is the hardest thing to have my mental status questioned by anyone.
It is the hardest thing to see the pain in my childrens eyes and know I helped put it there.
It is the hardest thing EVER to know that some nights I won't get to tuck them in and kiss their little heads before I sleep. I always swore I would always do that.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
First Day of School
Last Tuesday was the first day of school for my babies. My peanut is now in kindergarten and it hurt to watch her drive away on that big yellow bus. I know she is a big girl and I know it has to happen but it still hurt darn it. It also hurt to see my son go off to 2nd grade. Where have the years gone I ask you? I remember when he was a baby and it seems like yesterday.
Well I'm proud of my little ones and how excited and great they were that day. I'm proud of how much they learn and how fast they do it. I'm proud of their happy and polite personalities and I love them more than anything I could ever describe. They are two pieces of my heart and I adore them.
So here are pictures from that day.
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