It was the hardest thing watching the slow deterioration of my marriage.
It was the hardest thing to suggest therapy for 2 years to be ignored.
It was the hardest thing to be called names.
It was the hardest thing to be lifted up with one hand by him but smacked down (not literally) by another and have him not even realize he was doing it.
It was the hardest thing to start working so that I could move on with my life.
It was the hardest thing when he found out I had confided in another man about our marital troubles.
It was the hardest thing to have my kids dragged through our muck.
It was the hardest thing to admit that I do not love him any more.
It was the hardest thing to tell my kids we are divorcing even if it's what I want.
It is the hardest thing to face the vast unknown alone.
It is the hardest thing to remain in this house despite my decision.
It is the hardest thing to realize just how little money I make.
It is the hardest thing to watch 14 years together (11 married) become just a memory.
It is the hardest thing to know that you don't want to hurt any more but by changing that you hurt so many around you.
It is the hardest thing to look at the house I helped build become soon no longer my house.
It is the hardest thing to plan to move back in with my parents.
It is the hardest thing to have my mental status questioned by anyone.
It is the hardest thing to see the pain in my childrens eyes and know I helped put it there.
It is the hardest thing EVER to know that some nights I won't get to tuck them in and kiss their little heads before I sleep. I always swore I would always do that.
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10 comments:
As someone who is traveling a similar journey, my heart goes out to you, Angel. I can't promise any grand future, just as no one can promise the same for me. As for me, I keep in mind that to stay in a soul-sapping situation for the sake of appearances or the happiness of others is an act of self betrayal. I wish you the strength to realize everything you can be as a mother, a professional, a loved one, and even a lover. Take care.
--
2amsomewhere
Angel,
I am so sorry to hear your news, but admire your courage to make changes in a life that's not happy for you. I hope you find peace and happiness as soon as possible.
--NYC reader
Oh goodness sweetie... I could sense this was coming. I am so so sorry.
But, what scares me the most is that this is where my own marriage is headed if my hubby doesn't fix himself. He does the SAME things to me... reading this was like reading my future and I'm scared to death because I do not want to go there.
Good luck to you sweets... email me ANYTIME you need me. I'll keep you in my prayers.
That is some tough stuff there.
Get to hugging the kids extra hard. It'll make all of you feel a little batter, I bet.
Not exactly the post I was hoping to read, but my heart goes out to you during this time! I do admire you for your courage to make these changes you feel are necessary.
my heart goes out to you, too.
just so you know, my parents had a bad marriage and every night i prayed they would GET divorced...i was miserable. divorce doesn't always have a negative effect on children - sometimes, it enables each parent to be their best.
you've got a lot going for you - hang in there! :)
What can anyone say? I don't know everything about your situation but it sounds as if you've really tried. So sad that he wasn't willing to try therapy or anything else just to make it work.
Please keep using this blog as a forum. We've all come to care about you and will want to be there with you through this.
Mama Bear
I've been out of town, and I'm sad to read about your troubles. Definitely use your blog to document what you're going through...we'll be here to listen!
Long time lurker but I felt the need to post a comment. I am in the same place you are, having a young son and having tried so very long to make my marriage work. I'm scared but I know that I have to do this. I know that you don't *know* me but if you ever want to talk or vent, feel free to drop me an email. *Hugs* Hang in there...
Drama
Boy, do I have that T-Shirt.
You will be fine though, in the end, and so will your children.
There will be terrible lows ahead and also soaring highs, the trick is to pay much more attention to the highs.
Hugs
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