Where to begin?

I have been away so long I doubt anyone will read this but still, I am determined to update my blog but where to begin?

Well, I have been working more than full-time trying to make ends meet. Making ends meet got harder when work took away bonuses thus cutting out almost $300 a month. Still I trudge on.

My ex-husband and are are pretty much interacting like we did when we were married only via text and email. Yep, we fight. I am trying to avoid it now for obvious reasons. He is on girlfriend #2 (both named Jennifer, odd.) #2 has been around about 4 months I think (but I guess they met on line after we separated and while he was dating Jennifer #1....hmmmmm.) I had a dream that I was asking the newest Jennifer 'how do you like my house? How do you like cooking in my kitchen?" (Obviously I regret letting go of the house) The next morning I learned she had moved into the house. Weird. They are talking about marriage. Wow.

I could care less what he does or who he dates. All that matters are my children and how many Jennifers and non -jennifers he parades through their lives. I have nothing against her, what did she do? Nothing. The only thing she did was fall for the 'put on a pedestal' initial phase of my ex-husbands way of courtship. In 4 years when she realizes she does 90% of things, that they seem to argue at every turn, that he picks apart every thing she says to the finite word, grumbles about things a lot and has a negative outlook, that he takes staying up late as if you hate him rather than you want to unwind from a long day with kids, where she is watching all football or sports or leaving the room to watch something else, that when she watches something she likes he will ridicule it until she stops watching it and that she goes to bed wondering how she got there and is so miserable, then she and I can talk.

My kids are doing great. My son is doing better in school. My daughter is funny as ever. My dog is good, my old cat passed away a month ago (sniffle.) Marc got us a new kitten who is 4 months old named Flounder. So time marches on.

Marc is wonderful and I have never been happier. It seems odd that things should be so easy but they are. What the future holds it holds. We have talked about the kids and I moving in with him and who knows, there may be wedding bells for us too. We have been dating for a bit over a year now and keeps getting better.

I have discovered the evils of Facebook but have reconnected with a ton of people from high school and college. I have very little free-time so what time I do have I rarely spend on the computer. It's odd because 2 years ago it's all I would do was spend time on the computer. How time changes things.

All I know is that life is never easy but my kids and I are much much happier now that their dad and I are not married and that speaks volumes. My kids love love love Marc and keep asking him when we will marry. I know they don't want to lose him. They have nothing to worry about. He isn't going anywhere but in my arms.

So hello to you all. I see some blogs are gone (good luck to you and I find myself worrying about Rachelemma since hers is gone. Prayers to her family if what I am thinking happened.)

Others have marched on blogging away and living life at the same time. Good for you to find the time. I hope you are all well and I send you all my best.

Happiness is not under rated.

I just reread a ton of messages I didn't know I had on here and want to thank you all (John, Terry, MLioux, Mike, Angel and whomever else I missed in my dusty rusty memory banks.)

Life has been good.... busy but good. Financially it has been really tough. More than half of my pay goes to my mortgage. I am constantly reminded that I took very little in child support. I certainly could use more to just buy gas or groceries (have you seen the rising costs of that?) but swore I would be a different ex-wife for my kid's sake. I don't want to bury my ex-husband to not be able to make it. It seems in being that way I am burying myself.

That is enough grumbling because life marches on.

If it weren't for Marc I would be in a different place in life. I truly feel I met my soul mate, my missing piece, the man of my dreams. He picks me up in ways every day just by the small things that I can not even tell you all. The way we interact is so easy, so simple and so right.

He is great with my children and my babies adore him. The bad thing is that when the kids spend a long period of time just with their dad they come to me in such a negative mood that it takes hours to pull them forcefully out of that dreary place. Like tonight for instance. Today was the first time Marc went to one of my kids baseball games. I know it upset my ex but to what extent I am not sure. My ex views it that I left him because of Marc. He refuses to see that I was leaving regardless it was just going to take me some time for financial reasons. He refuses to see that his issues and our issues are why we split. So I truly believe that Marc being at the game upset him and that trickled down to my children either by his attitude, his mood or even things he said. It took 2 hours to get my son out of the funk he had come to me in. In the morning at the game my son was in a great mood. In the evening when I got him he was argumentive, moody, non-responsive, full of attitude and so much more. After 2 hours of hugs, kisses, laughing, teasing, joking and then finally saying 'that's enough get out of this funk' he finally relaxed.

Work is going well. The only down side is a staff member I like a lot has put her notice in. She loves working with us but travels far to work every day so the rising gas prices are killing her. So now I am prepping to interview for her replacement. She is a beacon of light at work so finding a replacement will take time.

I must be doing something right because I was top manager out of the three city centers and won a trip to Puerto Rico. There were some meetings to go to but all I went to were fun and easy. I got to take Marc and the weather was great. The only bad thing it was too short. I need a week long vacation one of these times. I will post photos next chance I get.

My life is just 200% better and yes John (and whoever else said it) I am very very very happy. I never realized just how happy I could be until now. Now life is just roses, chocolates and laughter.

May you all know such happiness in your life......

Las Vegas trip pics part 2

Make a scrapbook - it's easy!

Las Vegas Trip pics Part 1

Make a slideshow - it's easy!

Busy life, happy woman

My life is busy. I am working like a dog but loving my life. I can't even put into words what it feels like in comparison for me. This thursday my children are leaving with their dad for a 10 day vacation. I have mixed emotion. Of course the biggest issue for me with them leaving is missing them and worry that I won't be there for them. I know he will take care of them and I even emailed him my concern for my own peace of mind. The flip side is looking forward to having the house stay clean after I clean it up. To not having gum stuck to things, the dog covered in goo, no crumbs thrown about and no drinks knocked over just before leaving for school. I can go to the gym when I want and go out when I want.

It's a mixture of dread and glee and hard for people without kids to understand. (I know my new man doesn't fully get it but he lets me be me so it's all good.)

Well I better get back to work! Take care all!

Trip

My trip to Vegas with my new man was awesome. I have pics but don't want to post them here unless he agrees so for now just know that it was sooo much fun.

February? Already?

I am wondering where the time flies. I am still in shock that I am 35 years old.

I am wondering what happened after christmas did I enter a time warp? Holy cow!

Since becoming manager at my place of employment days are whipping by like cars on the audobon.

Update on my life:

Kids = Good. Today is my baby boy's 8th birthday. Again. Where did the time go?

New Man = Totally awesome. His birthday was yesterday and I spoiled him, much to his surprise and delight. Pets = healthy and good and loving my new Man.

Work = busy busy. With my 40+ hours at work, work at home and design work when I am asked what I like to do in my free time I wonder.... 'what is free time?' LOL.

EX = met someone new and has chosen my son's b-day dinner tonight to introduce her to our children.

That last tidbit has my parents in a tizzy. They are pissed off that he put them through hell about his life being over and blah blah blah. He stood in my parents driveway and in front of my parents and children (in August) called me a liar and whore just because I was txting my then client now NEW Man confiding in him my marital issues. My friends all think he met her before (he claims he didn't) and was pushing me out in hopes to make me the bad guy and him the victim. I don't care WHO he has in his life provided #1 they are nice and good to my children, #2 Never confuse their role with mine as their mother. My ex and I have both agreed that they only have ONE mom and dad and shall call no one else by that name. I am guessing he would be the one to break that rule but I could be wrong. I mean he wouldn't let my new guy meet the kids and held me under his thumb until he wanted his gf to meet them. As long as she isn't rebound chick and he won't parade women in and out of their lives I'm fine.

Actually I am ecstatic he met someone. That means he's off my butt with his crap. What I am a bit miffed about is that he picked my son's birthday day and the dinner they will celebrate it at to introduce her. It seems poor timing. Since he always started fights during holidays, birthdays and special occassions I chalk this up to another one of those days and refuse to play into his hand.

So that's me in a nut shell. I can't believe I had 5 minutes to type this. I miss you all very much!

Beautiful flowers

I love roses. I had rose bushes at the house I can no longer live at. My favorite roses are yellow and second favorite are deep red. I will truly miss the roses this summer.

So last night when I got home from work I was excited because I was going to see M. When I walked out of the garage, into the foyer... there on the bench was a vase full of yellow roses with blood red on the petals tips. 2 dozen roses. Some were laying on the piano displayed deliberately, the rest in a vase. The foyer smelled amazing.

Needless to say I was even more happy. He's so sweet.

related or not?

Someone from Pittsburgh, PA is reading my blog from time to time. I have a link to a system that tracks where the readers of my blog are from. I'm not sure if it's completely unrelated or if it's my soon-to-be ex or perhaps his new gf reviewing my blog. If it's the last two..... you can go away. cya. bye. later.

If it's unrelated.... welcome.

On the job front

I like my part-time job. I enjoy the people I work with and the job I do. It isn't a terribly difficult job and I figured out the main system at work within the first 2 weeks. In February I will have been there a year so that is mind boggling for me how fast time flies.

I enjoy my design work and the money is good but it isn't regular like a normal paycheck. I bust my butt for clients and it can take 4 or more months to finish the project. It isn't condusive to paying the regular bills with piece of mind.

My part-time job doesn't pay a ton of money so I was left with a problem. How do I make ends meet?

Well I started putting out resumes. I have interviewed at some architectural firms.

Then last week an odd thing happened. Our new manager, who has been on the job for a few months, got a better offer somewhere else and told me in confidence that fact. He told me that when I went in in the morning and all day I thought, "I wonder if I should inquire about the job." All day I pondered that and even asked M what he thought. I went back to work that night and my manager asked to speak with me. In the office he told me to act surprised when the owner told me of his leaving and that he has recommended me for the manager position. He knew I wanted more full-time hours and that I needed the financial security.

On top of that he told me that I'm the only one in the department that follows through, and also goes out of my way to finish things that are not my responsibility. I was honored and told him that I was interested.

Later the owner pulled me aside and asked me if I was interested. I told him yes. He said he wanted to interview one more person, talk to the co-owner and get back to me. That was last thursday.

Yesterday morning I went in and my manager and the owner pulled me into a conference room and told me the job is mine if I want it. DO I WANT IT? Yes. Abso-freaking-lutely. I would be able to split my schedule so that my kids won't be in day care until summer. I would be making a good regular SALARY (not hourly) AND maybe bonuses. Add to that it's only a 10 minute drive from my home so gas money won't be too high, I don't pay to park and I could still do design work at my disgression.

Hello!? That was a no brainer. I was so excited I almost couldn't contain myself. Now mind you the job will be stressful and I've never been a manager before but I have ideas, I know the staff and I like them all (and as far as I know they like me.)

Only one of my staff knows (my staff.... that is so awesome to type) so tonight I will tell another one. The showroom is mine, hiring, schedules, reviews and the like. Wow. So I know what I could probably get salary wise from my previous managers recommendation (when asked) so hopefully they will agree to it. There will be vacation time, and benefits. I was looking at NO healthcare at all.

I started training this morning and will do more tomorrow morning and a few days next week. But already problems are being handed to me. I hope I do a great job and hope the deparment and showroom do very good under my direction.

Wish me luck!!

On a lighter note

After the flood gates I got a txt from my new man, M. He told me to relax and that it will all be okay. Can I tell you that his timing was impeccable. His simple words picked me up in a way I can't tell you.

From my previous post please don't think that I regret ending my marriage, I don't. I had to leave and not for any other reason but for me. My kids have benefited it seems by how much better they are doing now.

I have fallen madly in love with M. He is a positive force in my life. In all that was wrong with my ex that is what is right with him. In all that was stressful with my ex, is lighthearted with M. It's odd to say this in light of the ending of my marriage but M is my missing piece. I never thought I would have found a man who suited me so much but I did in him.

So as my day began so down trodden and depressive it ended with a beautiful sunset granted to me by M. Thank you for being my honey bear, M.

An emotional trip

Okay, I know I'm hormonal so it probably wasn't the best time to go to file for divorce. I had to save up to pay for it and today, while the kids were in school, I drove the 45 minutes to the County court house. As I was driving the heavens opened up and snow began to fall in huge coating flakes.

I was thinking and reflecting on the road that got me to driving to file for divorce. Don't ever believe that just because someone has chosen divorce that they don't feel some regret, some fear and sadness. The leaver feels horrible like the one they left and on top of that I am terrified of making it on my own. So hormonal chick that I was today I parked along the street, clutched my papers after feeding the meter and tromped through the snow in my eskimo coat hoping it won't take long to file the paper work that will end my 12 year marriage, and 14+ relationship with the father of my children.

After finally finding the entrance to the courthouse I emptied my pockets and put all my belongings on the x-ray machine as per the stern guards instructions. He gave me directions to the Prothonotary's office with the same friendly tone. Shaking I got on the elevator to go up, then walked the convoluted hallways to the main courthouse and back down to the first floor.

Then I met the wicked witch of the courthouse in the office that I sought. 'What do you have for us' she asked. I stated I was filing for divorce. After a 'you can't file this way, you need a custody ...blah blah' I showed her we in fact did have a custody agreement. She was quite possibly the most unfriendly person in the world. I mean I don't file for divorce every other day so I am not entirely sure what I was doing.

Lastly she asked for my divorce complaint. Searching through my crinkled folder of carefully crafted paperwork I came up empty. I had to break down and call my soon-to-be ex who is also an attorney to seek out the paper.

By then I was really shaking and totally emotional. I mean who truly wants to be standing in a cold marble covered office with stark white pages of legalize that delineates who gets what from the house and when you get to see your own kids. Not only that you have to pay for it and leave feeling empty.

Needless-to-say, I was missing that one piece of paper. I drove back in a complete snow storm on back roads sliding accomplishing nothing and crying like a baby. Of course that was the perfect time for the song my soon-t0-be ex and I danced to at our wedding came on. Open flood gates.

It has been an emotional morning for me. Sigh.

btw... I will be getting my stuff together and going back tomorrow. Double sigh.

Another good one

It seems I only post after the weekend. Am I too busy during the week? Maybe... yeah probably.

This passed weekend I spent Friday night with my kids. My son had his first reconciliation. To us Catholics (if you are not one) it's when you confess your since and are forgiven. This must happen before getting your First Holy Communion. It's one of the 7 sacraments in a Catholics life. The church made a much bigger deal out of the Reconciliation then when I was a kid there.

S was there with me and the kids. My niece is my son's age so she is prepping for her communion as well. My older sister wasn't there due to illness of the non-conventional sort but my ex-brother-in-law was there with his fiance(?)

After that the kids and I rented a movie and had a cozy night together.

Another development that I almost hate to write about (so as to avoid jinxing it) is that my new manager is leaving the position and was so impressed with me in the month and a half to 2 months that he recommended me to replace him. I was so excited because I was contemplating inquiring about the position when I learned he was leaving. I'm the only one besides the owners that knows he's leaving thus far. One of the owners did sit with me and talk to me about the position. I hope that my lack of managerial experience doesn't hinder me because I do have some new ideas for how to be more efficient.

He said he would talk to me about the position again which is when I will share an idea or two.

Saturday at work was another wild and busy day. The owner asked me to do a thing here and there which he did I think to test me a bit. If given the opportunity I know I will bust my butt to do well.

After work I realized the other former manager, who is in a new position, walked off with my new tape measure. When she's around things disappear and this was a gift from M so that really set me off. She will find my tape measure or buy me a new one. I harbor sentimentality to animate objects so I would like the one HE bought me back. sigh.

Then M and I went to his best friends house where there was a get-together. We had a great great time together and in his state of inibriation said some of the most amazing and sweetest things to me. I see a long term future with him. It's odd to say that I can see being married to him when I'm not officially even divorced yet. I knew from early on with S that he wasn't my match but at 19 you don't truly know yourself and I felt I would never find another man. Talk about stupid naive thinking and not a good foundation to build a life on. I would say I'd change it if I could go back in time but I got two wonderfully amazing things out of that decision..... my two children.

With M I feel he is the ying to my yang. He balances me. We match. Its almost surreal to say that but I'm saying it. Unfortunately he can't have contact with my children because S has a section in the divorce agreement to make sure we wait 1 year from separation. I just emailed S today to try and change that. It's time that S's control over my life end.

This morning my son woke with a fever and is sitting beside me here. Poor little guy.

A nice weekend

I have had a nice weekend. It started off after I got off work friday night. M and I went out and it was a fun time. The next day I worked again and after a hard hard day from hell my kids were dropped off at my new place.

We had a wonderful weekend together. They constantly amaze me with their ideas and energy. We made cupcakes on Sunday and went shopping. On the way to evening mass we were almost in an accident while the snow was falling like crazy. Some bozo decided to come into my lane beside me. I swerved into the center lane and was able to pull back into the lane before I would have hit head on into the middle planting area. Thank god we got out of it safe.

And tonight I was able to do some good design work.

I know my writing is lacking it's usual witty luster but it's all I've got right now. LOL Cya.

Country girl in the big city

I went downtown this morning for an interview with an architectural firm. The idea I have is to keep my part-time evening job and get a daytime job. I'm very very happy with my current employer but the money isn't enough for me so thus the job hunt.

This firm is a long standing firm in the most amazing building downtown.... The photo above is the main tower that actually encompasses a six building system. If you are curious about the city of Pittsburgh and a building there here is a link to it:

http://www.ppgplace.com/

The interview went well and it's anyones guess as to whether I will be offered the position. To put my kids in afternoon daycare it will have to be a very good offer.

The new man

Last night I accompanied my new man M to an affair he was invited to. It was a lovely evening and I had a great time. Time with him is amazing and not just because it is a new relationship. There is something about how at ease we are with one another. I would get all gushy and detaily here but I think I shall refrain for now.

While pondering our time together while in line to pick up Peanut from Kindergarten I heard a song and it made me think of him and here it is:



I just watched the video and have to say...AHHHHHH CLOWNS! I hate clowns but love the song.

This moment was brought to you by the Peanut

Driving in the car to pick her brother up at the bus stop by my now former house Peanut and I are chatting about random things.

Then she says to me, "Mommy? Can we get an orange cat that I can name Brownie?"

I start to laugh, "Honey, why not get a brown cat and name it Brownie?"

"Oh yeah. That would be good."

Mom laughing heartily here..... love the Peanut.

Ghost town

Upon my return I decided I needed to knock on the doors of my old blogger friends and found so many of them have stopped blogging or left blogger.com. I have been removing many from my 'friends' list and it's kind of sad, surprisingly enough.

Even though we are words on a screen to each other I have come to think of many of you as friends. After all I turned to blogger for adult talk when I was feeling captive.

Still I wish all that have moved on, and those who are still around, nothing but the best in their 'real' lives that they so willingly share with us all. You will always be my peeps! :D

Survivor

The business I work for part-time is contemplating allowing me to work almost-full-time. They have been so amazing working around my kids and allowing me to take them in with me until their dad can pick them up. I feel great loyalty to them because of how they have been with me.

Still I am looking at what other options are out there. If I could land a very high paying design job I don't know if I could pass it up but that would mean daycare for my kids. I know kids all over the country survive it but I'm talking about ME surviving it. LOL. I was around for my son during his kindergarten year to pick him up all year and play with him and have lunch with him. I wanted the same with my daughter.

Survival, however is important too.

It's not easy. I love the little funny things my daughter says like 'ohhh that's gonna leave a mark' or listening to her sing as she often does. I have an opportunity to explore this week but don't wish to jinx anything by talking about it just yet.

Run in and bed early

Today was a busy day but my god the weather was beautiful. It helped to put me in great spirits but figuring out an answer to a money question put me in a better mood. I also have another plan to make money so who knows if I can fulfill that dream of making a million before I'm 40. LOL.

I was running today and accomplishing a lot. My parents stopped by to deliver a ton of their food. They are leaving tomorrow to drive to Florida to stay with my little sister and her husband. They will be down there until April or May. I know... holy long time. It will be weird to not just be able to drop by on them. My mom was all misty eyed before she left as was I. We will have email at least.

All I have left in town now as far as family is my older sister, who just returned from Germany, and her girls who she has every other weekend.

After that visit I washed my Cali for the first time at my new home and had some wild glitches like... all the boxes I have to get rid of being in the way in the garage. I have been disposing of a portion at a time but it's amazing how many boxes you have when you move.

Then the hose leaked from a ton of places... what a mess.

Alas Cali got clean but it took longer than expected and as usual I was running late. I went to get my son at the bus stop. For the first time ever he was already there before I got there. Usually I make it in time but not today. I ended up driving up to him and he had stopped in front of my old neighbor's driveway partially (S's current neighbor) who I have known for 5 years.

My son was climbing in when a car pulled up behind me. I didn't recognize it but it was that neighbor but since I didn't recognize him I waved him to drive passed. Well he ended up driving up next to me and making an irritated face and pointing at his driveway.

I waved and pulled away.

After I turned around and left and he didn't wave to me I realized the state of affairs in the neighborhood. Not everyone is treating me the same. I suppose I have been villanized by S. I know Halloween he told that particular neighbor and I'm sure it involved many colorful explanations as to what I did as he has told a few others the same tale. I never got a chance to tell my own side because as everyone knows it's his side, my side and somewhere in between is the truth.

So it seems that someone that I thought of as a friend has proven how fleeting people view friendships and I would love to vindicate myself but realize that if it was that easy for him to believe the whole thing about me and turn on me then there isn't much to save.

sigh

It's amazing the toll that is paid in a divorce. Him insisting he keep the house has caused me to leave the home I knew for 5 years and the people I considered friends. I know it was my choice but it has been a hard road. I'm just very lucky that I have had an amazing support group.

Don't ever think that just because one person asks for the divorce that it isn't hard on them too.

Tonight I hope to get to bed earlier as I was up too late last night....night all.

Awake and frustrated

I sit here at 1:23 am unable to sleep despite being totally exhausted. I have my beautiful kids and love it but as it is with the nights that I sleep alone I can not sleep. When I don't have the kids I spend the night with M and I fall instantly asleep in his arms without a worry.

When I try to sleep on my own I lay awake fretting as only I can do. I sent resumes out the behind tonight. I have a plan for this month but my part-time job and freelance design work is too ify to give me solace that I can bank on. At this point I need the comfort of a definite paycheck.

I have struggled for so long financially it pisses me off. In 1995 when I graduated from college I was unable to find a design job. I had to settle for any job I could find. During that time S and I were planning a wedding. After the wedding and the bills from that and S's debt he accumulated that I assumed came law school for S. The three years he attended law school I worked and paid the bills on whatever pitance I made.

I worried and struggled then. I paid all the bills and budgeted. We did without and I stressed over it. I would lay awake worrying. After S graduated from law school of course I find out we are pregnant. He had no job yet and I was still the bread winner. When he didn't pass the bar that first time and was a wreck I had to emotionally pick him up despite being 8 months pregnant and scared to death myself.

S did pass and found work. But now I had a beautiful son I didn't want to leave to go to work. S was making decent enough money we figured I could go part-time. I was able to get the firm I was working for allow me to. We couldn't afford childcare so my mom watched our boy. She got ill and left us with no options, to no fault of her own.

Eventually the altered schedule that worked for me didn't work for that firm any more and they 'phased out my position'. Still I was the person who paid out the bills. S always said I was better at it then him. I laid awake stressing as debt mounted.

For the 12 years we were married I begged him for help in budgeting and figuring out the best way out of our situation. Sometimes I would be crying while begging. That would get his attention so he would sit with me in front of the tv as I paid the bills with no real discussion of a better budget and that would last one night. I think 2-3 times a year he would do that the rest of the time I was on my own.

I left S for many more reasons than that but that is one of them. Now S still has our house and half our things. He kept the newer bigger TV while i took our 25" that I paid for before we married however he went out and bought himself a new 40 something inch tv that my son says is huge along with a surround sound system. Do I sound bitter? Yes I am. Why? Because since I was so deeply aware of the financial situation he was in and he took 95% of the debt I stupidly agreed to taking so very little in child support and no alimony. The amount is so tiny that when people hear it their mouths drop open.

Was it the guilt that drove me? Yes. But my friends, sometimes my family and M constantly remind me that I can not even feed my kids on that amount. So this is the first real month on my own and I see the hard road ahead and so here I sit awake despite being exhausted. I'm frustrated that I took so little for myself and that my job doesn't pay a larger amount. Freelance is dependent on your clients paying and accounts receivable sucks butt. So I am seeking a full-time position somewhere praying, hoping and worst of all worrying.

If M was here I would be fast asleep... calm and figuring I would worry about it in the morning. But he isn't and i'm left to my own demons.

I know M... I know I should have gotten at least the MINIMUM child support. I know. Please don't remind me again. :(