Awake and frustrated

I sit here at 1:23 am unable to sleep despite being totally exhausted. I have my beautiful kids and love it but as it is with the nights that I sleep alone I can not sleep. When I don't have the kids I spend the night with M and I fall instantly asleep in his arms without a worry.

When I try to sleep on my own I lay awake fretting as only I can do. I sent resumes out the behind tonight. I have a plan for this month but my part-time job and freelance design work is too ify to give me solace that I can bank on. At this point I need the comfort of a definite paycheck.

I have struggled for so long financially it pisses me off. In 1995 when I graduated from college I was unable to find a design job. I had to settle for any job I could find. During that time S and I were planning a wedding. After the wedding and the bills from that and S's debt he accumulated that I assumed came law school for S. The three years he attended law school I worked and paid the bills on whatever pitance I made.

I worried and struggled then. I paid all the bills and budgeted. We did without and I stressed over it. I would lay awake worrying. After S graduated from law school of course I find out we are pregnant. He had no job yet and I was still the bread winner. When he didn't pass the bar that first time and was a wreck I had to emotionally pick him up despite being 8 months pregnant and scared to death myself.

S did pass and found work. But now I had a beautiful son I didn't want to leave to go to work. S was making decent enough money we figured I could go part-time. I was able to get the firm I was working for allow me to. We couldn't afford childcare so my mom watched our boy. She got ill and left us with no options, to no fault of her own.

Eventually the altered schedule that worked for me didn't work for that firm any more and they 'phased out my position'. Still I was the person who paid out the bills. S always said I was better at it then him. I laid awake stressing as debt mounted.

For the 12 years we were married I begged him for help in budgeting and figuring out the best way out of our situation. Sometimes I would be crying while begging. That would get his attention so he would sit with me in front of the tv as I paid the bills with no real discussion of a better budget and that would last one night. I think 2-3 times a year he would do that the rest of the time I was on my own.

I left S for many more reasons than that but that is one of them. Now S still has our house and half our things. He kept the newer bigger TV while i took our 25" that I paid for before we married however he went out and bought himself a new 40 something inch tv that my son says is huge along with a surround sound system. Do I sound bitter? Yes I am. Why? Because since I was so deeply aware of the financial situation he was in and he took 95% of the debt I stupidly agreed to taking so very little in child support and no alimony. The amount is so tiny that when people hear it their mouths drop open.

Was it the guilt that drove me? Yes. But my friends, sometimes my family and M constantly remind me that I can not even feed my kids on that amount. So this is the first real month on my own and I see the hard road ahead and so here I sit awake despite being exhausted. I'm frustrated that I took so little for myself and that my job doesn't pay a larger amount. Freelance is dependent on your clients paying and accounts receivable sucks butt. So I am seeking a full-time position somewhere praying, hoping and worst of all worrying.

If M was here I would be fast asleep... calm and figuring I would worry about it in the morning. But he isn't and i'm left to my own demons.

I know M... I know I should have gotten at least the MINIMUM child support. I know. Please don't remind me again. :(