All settled in

After living with my parents for a month and a half I am now in my own place, a townhouse, and settled in. The Christmas tree is up, the kids rooms are mostly painted. I'm busy with design clients and running back and forth to get the kids.

While I know the kids would love nothing more than for their dad and I to be back together, they are dealing with the change far better than I anticipated. They got to choose their room color and their beds. My son picked a loft bed and my daughter picked a bunk bed. I tried to have them take ownership of their room to help make the transition better.

My son was accepted into the Gifted Program at school because he tested in the top percentiles in so many areas. While his behavior issues are not 100% resolved I must say that he is doing far better and I hope to see even better now that I think he will no longer be so bored.

Peanut is doing as I expected her to do in Kindergarten. She is the social butterfly who easily makes friends and is invited to more birthday parties than I can count but who isn't all too worried about the academics of school. She is very smart but doesn't realize it all the time and freezes up when quized or tested. I figure it will take some time to help her work through that and once she does she will take off.

Their dad and I are not officially divorced as I need to save up the money to file. I saved every penny I made for closing costs for this townhouse. Even though I had help with the seller's assist for closing but still I needed a bunch of money. Now I am just stressing as I am facing a mortgage payment alone but can't dwell on it, I must get the work done in my business and collect the money.

Also around 2 weeks ago, during a snow spell here their dad was hit head on in his new (just under 1 year old by only a week) Jetta he had called Wolfie. I believe I had pics on here when he got it. It was a total loss, he walked away from the car and stated he felt like the commercial for the VW Jetta. He is in physical therapy for his back and wrist and has a new car already (another VW Jetta.) That's about all I know.

As for me, I am involved with a new man. He is a former client who is, when looking at the issues I felt I had with my ex, the polar opposite from my children's dad. This guy (lets call him M) is laid back and positive in his outlook. He is an incredible cook and has made me many surprise meals from scratch, the most recent one was Fettucine Alfredo Carbenara. His sauce was incredible. He's funny, quirky and just makes me feel okay to be me. He is bald and while I never thought I'd love that I do. While I could go on and on here I think some things are better left close to the vest so just know that I am the most calm I have ever been and feeling pretty good.

I know living on my own and paying for things myself will not be easy but I know I can do it and will just have no choice but to do so.

For now my Christmas tree is up, I am starting to bake (much to my kids' delight) and I'm kept very very busy.

I hope you are all doing well this wonderful holiday season. May you and yours have a fantastic one!

Missing my peeps

What can I say, I miss all my peeps on blogspot and I'm sure I have a ton of catching up to do. I will read galore on evenings when I'm in my new home (that is if I'm not busting hump doing work to pay the bills. LOL)

What has happened since I last reported? A lot and nothing if that makes sense. My soon-to-be ex fllipped out on me on Halloween because I washed my car off at HIS house. My parent's neighbor was burning stuff and ash covered Cali. I couldn't wash it at my parents house due to constant ash and never thought it would be a deal to rinse Cali off. Boy was I wrong.

I'm apparently a disrespectful thief on top of the lieing cheating whore he has called me. Later, when discussing my move and previously arranged plans to have my parents watch my kids as I moved since he was supposed to supervise his home as I moved and we didn't want the kids to witness it, he flipped out again. I guess since it's his day on the custody and (unbeknownst to me) did NOT plan to supervise now that he was angry that I CHANGED plans on him again and was taking the kids from him on HIS day. I tried to calmly talk over him as he screamed at me over the phone what a liar I was and how I was a 'lieing good for nothing piece of shit' before I hung up.

It is moments like that that remind me of why I am leaving. His temper, his negative outlook, his controlling nature, his harmful hateful words and more. He still doesn't see why I have left. I just wish I could afford to file for the divorce but I am closing on a new home and need every penny for closing. I probably shouldn't even have went to get my eye's checked today but it has been over 2-1/2 years. I'm glad I went because now I need to have my eye pressure checked with an Opthamologist. I'm only 34 and too young to hear the words 'Glaucoma'. I'm just hoping it's the stress that has affected it but i don't want to mess around.

I'm still at my parents house (and can't get on line often enough) and the teachers at my children's school are still on strike until Nov. 15th (one whole month). I look forward to my own place and school again. A routine, a place a ritual.

My biggest fear is not being able to pay the bills. My design work isn't a guaranteed paycheck so I'm scared to say the least. I plan to send out marketing things but also will prep a resume to architectural firms as a back up plan. I will survive and perservere some how. I'm not a shrinking violet and there is one thing this whole experience has taught me: I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

I hope you are all well and miss you. I can not wait to peek into your blogworld soon. Just know you are all in my thoughts!! I'm outy like a belly button.

I'm alive and okay

Last saturday I moved out of the house I helped build to my parents 4 minutes away. The custody schedule begins and I purchased a townhouse that I close on in mid November. To say a lot is happening is a mild understatement. The paperwork for my divorce is almost final, I need the notary stamps with my signatures.

To top it all of my children's school is on strike so that is why I have been absent. Busy busy busy. And now that I have to pay my own bills I am focused on my children and on my clients so that I can pay for the roof over my head.

I am sitting in my parent's house, my kids asleep in the other room and I'm updating you all. So I am alive and doing okay. My belongings are still at the house and will move out mid november. I will keep on updating you as best I can. I'm sorry I'm not available more but.... well.... you know.

They are my heart

My two children are my heart, two large parts of my heart. Never did I think I could love so deeply two little souls but I feel so blessed to have been given them. If I didn't have my babies I would have probably left my marriage much much sooner. I stayed the last 2 years for them and tried for them. I know my husband says I could still stay and he still wants to make it work but for many many reasons I can not find it within myself to endure any more trying and any more failures as well as any more pain. I wish for my children's sake that I could because I love the more than words could ever describe, but that will never change.

I started this blog as a means to connect with people as I was isolated. I also started this blog as a means to try to focus on the positives in my life so that it could perhaps help me to stay. My children were a primary focus of that positive because that is what they are to me, my stars, my sun, my positives.

They are my heart.

The hardest thing

It was the hardest thing watching the slow deterioration of my marriage.

It was the hardest thing to suggest therapy for 2 years to be ignored.

It was the hardest thing to be called names.

It was the hardest thing to be lifted up with one hand by him but smacked down (not literally) by another and have him not even realize he was doing it.

It was the hardest thing to start working so that I could move on with my life.

It was the hardest thing when he found out I had confided in another man about our marital troubles.

It was the hardest thing to have my kids dragged through our muck.

It was the hardest thing to admit that I do not love him any more.

It was the hardest thing to tell my kids we are divorcing even if it's what I want.

It is the hardest thing to face the vast unknown alone.

It is the hardest thing to remain in this house despite my decision.

It is the hardest thing to realize just how little money I make.

It is the hardest thing to watch 14 years together (11 married) become just a memory.

It is the hardest thing to know that you don't want to hurt any more but by changing that you hurt so many around you.

It is the hardest thing to look at the house I helped build become soon no longer my house.

It is the hardest thing to plan to move back in with my parents.

It is the hardest thing to have my mental status questioned by anyone.

It is the hardest thing to see the pain in my childrens eyes and know I helped put it there.

It is the hardest thing EVER to know that some nights I won't get to tuck them in and kiss their little heads before I sleep. I always swore I would always do that.

First Day of School

Last Tuesday was the first day of school for my babies. My peanut is now in kindergarten and it hurt to watch her drive away on that big yellow bus. I know she is a big girl and I know it has to happen but it still hurt darn it. It also hurt to see my son go off to 2nd grade. Where have the years gone I ask you? I remember when he was a baby and it seems like yesterday.

Well I'm proud of my little ones and how excited and great they were that day. I'm proud of how much they learn and how fast they do it. I'm proud of their happy and polite personalities and I love them more than anything I could ever describe. They are two pieces of my heart and I adore them.

So here are pictures from that day.

WHAT??!!

I get a ton of spam, my email filters suck butt. So I got this email this morning that I felt I HAD to share.

"Hi Chaisson
Just imagine huge d*ck in ur pants! Its real! :-)"

First off... .who is Chaisson? Second off... I tried to imagine it and in one way I can and in another way I can not. LMAO. Holy spam batman!!

Reflections, novel and problems

I started this blog to focus on the good things in my life. I wrote mostly about my kids or things of that nature, if you'll notice. That is where my happiness lies unabated. I'm usually a happy happy uplifting person with a sunshine viewpoint. I'm not just trying to make myself look good, it's what I've been told. My mom has always told me that I lighten a room when I enter it and so I have adopted the motto that I want to be the sunshine and not the rain.

Somewhere along the line my marriage has become the rain and my viewpoint on it is dark and dreary. My husband doesn't view it the same and I promised not to write in detail the issues we face. I do know his intended outcome from all that is happening is different than mine and mine is not sunshine and roses. I've been optomistic for a long time and have great difficulty being so any longer.

Through certain channels I have been asked to read a novel about divorce and its legacy. I call it my huge guilt trip. Let me say this loud and clear I LOVE MY CHILDREN with all my heart. I have wrestled with my feelings of this marriage for over a year and never EVER want to hurt my kids. But I very well may hurt them in the most horrible way possible.... yes the D word.

I am going through a horrible internal struggle right now I know what I wish could happen but is too late to have it be so and I know where I am leaning which won't be pretty. The end of March is when I felt I let go of things here with my husband and so that is where I am.

Thank you to all my blogging friends and their support. Thank you to Terry for the props for the nice blog. I will post about that and recommend someone else in turn. I already have someone in mind. It's nice to know that even though we have never met that I have blogging friends like you all. Blog ya later chickies.

What up?

Well I have been away and for good reason. Without going into details too gruesome to share let me say that my family situation is in serious turmoil. I have started this blog to focus on the positive here in my home in the hopes of finding my way but I have been unable to.

A lot of changes may be in store here and I will blog about what I can when I can. Just know that I am feverishly searching for my answers. I miss all you bloggers!

Back and busy

Hey all. Mike's comment reminded me of my slacker status on blogging. Holy slacker batman! We got back late late last tuesday after sitting in the plane for 2 hours with a mechanical problem in Atlanta. For someone afraid to fly it was daunting.

I worked that following evening PLUS all my clients have been chomping at the bit so color me busy.

I have fabulous photos of the beach and sunset and palm trees. Ahh the palm trees. I do have plans to do a 'vacation' post but alas have been far more busy than I like. Last night was the first night I went to bed at 11pm. The rest was 2 am -4am. sigh.

So I'm around and running like a mini energizer bunny but miss all my blogging buddies. Seriously. I do.

And Mike, you should be jelly belly.... the island was spectacular. ;)

Still on vacation

Here we are on vacation. We arrived in Tampa at my little sis's place late on the 20th and left there on the 22nd to drive down the gulf coast. The temperaturs are in the 90's here and we are on an island only accessible by ferry and everyone has golf carts to drive. With white sandy beaches and a community pool we are getting tan. I didn't know I could even still get tan since I was two shades of transluscent.

But we are here until monday when we drive up the coast to see Hubby's aunt and uncle for a few hours then back up to Tampa. We fly back on Tuesday and I know I will be anxious to see my puppy... LOL. But not to get back to work. hee hee... Talk to you all later!!!

The sunshine state

We are heading off to Florida tomorrow. A few days with little sister and brother-in-law at their new house and then a drive down the gulf coast to a townhouse on an island. I have busted my rump for so long with design stuff that I need a rum and coke and a nap on the beach. Yep, that's what I need.

I might blog from the trip but I won't be back until August 1st. I know. Our first long vacation. I hope we don't smack each other around. LOL Later gators!

Fistses of Five year old furry.

Peanut put on the Hulk Hands and my goodness was it funny. I was laughing at the whole picture. Then she turned to her daddy and said, "I'm going to destroy you." We laughed hysterically. She went swinging at her daddy with the hulk noises erupting from the fists of five year old furry hitting her daddy. Funny little grunts emmited from her and even a growl or two. His hands were up protecting his face when she punched him THERE... guys, you know where.

He crumpled and she laughed. Turning to her brother she said, "(insert my son's name here) I punched daddy in the pee pee and that was funny."

Daddy didn't think so but the fight continued. He was covering his area better when she punched him in the face. Then she said, "My fistes are strong!" in a grunty voice that we call her REDRUM voice.

But of course, peanut.

My peanut was talking to me this afternoon about her stuffed dog. She said it was a wolf, it was a female wolf to be exact. I chuckled.

"Oh yeah? A female wolf?"

"Yeah mommy. Her name is Mrs. Wolfy."

"Wow, that's nice honey."

"And she has a sister. Her name is Mrs. Wolfy."

I tilt my head to the side and look at her with amusement.

"They have the same name?"

She gives me that slight eye roll (they pick that up quickly LOL) and then says, "yes mommy, they ARE twins."

But of course peanut.

Some tea please

I love iced tea. I have been drinking it since I was a child but it has to be sweetened. I make my own by boiling so no I'm not a sun tea type but I love tea. So when McDonalds finally started having sweet tea I was excited. Yesterday I took my kiddies to McDonalds as a treat for being good on all my errands to the bank, the pharmacy and to a tile store where I got tile for a client AND bumped into an old coworker and friend. We chatted happily for a bit, my that is fun.

So I get the sweetened tea because I try to drink little pop... empty calories is all it is. I get the tea and sit down.

DEAR LORD!!! Is there any tea in there at all? All I tasted was sugar! "Excuse me miss... I'd like some tea with my sugar please."

I added water and that helped but my god, who can tolerate it like that!?

Alive and kicking...

Tuesday we went to a Pirate game and last night we went to the community park for food and fireworks. I will be downloading pictures in a little bit to share. I'm a sharer. lol

Happy 4th

Happy Fourth everyone!!

Here I am... once again...

Rick pointed out my lack of blogging. *sigh* You're right. I have been down right absent from both posting and commenting. The summer weather keeps me running but mostly it has been my job(s).

One particular design client requires more hand holding than I can even begin to explain. I won't even try to because it could sound like whining and very unprofessional. Lets just say when her project is done, I will be doing an Irish jig and I'm not irish. LOL.

Friday I had some recessed lights installed in my kitchen as well as a island light bar. I have befriended an electrician and we are handing out each other's business cards. He does great work and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. I know I'll hand out his business card to every one of my clients and hope to help his business. I will post pictures later. My parents are coming over this evening to see how they turned out.

I'm in the midst of trying to plan for something for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary in August so that is just one other thing. They never had a honeymoon and I love them dearly so that's why I'm planning something. I hope they aren't reading my blog right now. LOL. But my older sister might be leaving in August for Germany with her boyfriend for a few months so I'm not sure if my plans will fall through or not. I plan to email her but I know she's melting down right now so that should be fun.

My husband accidentally kicked my knee cap tonight in the pool and so now it's hurting. I played 9 years of softball and quit due to seriously dislocating it. I had surgery when I was 19 but it has been good. I just hope it will remain that way.

Tomorrow the famdamily will be driving to Erie, PA. Hubby's sister will be up there with her husband and two little boys from Atlanta so we plan to go to the Erie Zoo and an amusement park. So that is what has been going on here. :D

I will catch up on all my bloggy pals. I hope you are all doing well. huggles.

Sunday

It's usually cleaning day but all we had was a few hours to do it all. Hubby had two brothers, one of their girlfriends and hubby's good friend come by for a visit. I threw together a feast with what I had on hand which was pretty impressive. They stayed until early afternoon (so it was L-inner that we ate)

Now I am sleepy. Too bad I hate naps.

Saturday!!!

I worked a long day, ran peanut to a party after scooping up a last minute gift for a last minute invite. Ran back and forth between my son's last baseball game and then to my parents. At my parents was my little sister and her hubby visiting. I haven't seen them in 6 months and it was awesome to have them back. We had dinner (ribs and corn on the cob...yum) and dessert (oddly enough my mom pulled out my sister's wedding cake top from Sept. is that bad luck? I didn't have any btw.)

A friendly polish/german game of horseshoes commensed. My son thought it was da-bomb. Little sis brought her tiny tiny dog Winka. I had Amber my cocker who wasn't amused by the nipping puppy. They saw my new car and test drove it. We had a bonfire with hotdogs, smores and fireworks. Pictures to follow.